"Beastly" Mess

      I know millions of dollars are spent by movie studios to ensure a movie will appeal to the widest possible audience. It's to their advantage to do this.
     However, whoever Paramount Pictures hired to research the audience members for "Beastly" must have spent their time playing with the aps on their phones instead.
     The trailers promised a touching remake of the "Beauty and the Beast"  fairy tale with super hot stars Alex Pettyfer and Vanessa Hudgens. It looked like a promising date movie.
     Every promise was broken. I honestly believe I could have rewritten this story and directed it with better results.
    "Beastly" is solely for the young girls who also love the "Twilight" series.
    The plot stars Kyle (Pettyfer), a young, rich, arrogant and of course ridiculously handsome young man deliberately using his looks to get whatever he wants, and amuses his minions by needling the "ugly" kids at his school, including a  Wiccan outcast, Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen).
    Kendra taunts back, and smiles mysteriously when Kyle tries to best her.
    It's at a dance where Kendra casts her spell, telling the spoiled boy he is going to have unpleasant facts to deal with if he ever expects to get what he really wants.
    At the fringes of this crowd is Lindy (Hudgens), a beautiful scholarship student who watches Kyle with puppy-dog eyes, and something in him responds to her at a dance where their have their photograph taken.
   We have our noses rubbed into the fact that all Kyle's actions are designed to get his news anchor father to notice him and show even the tiniest bit of affection.
   After the dance,  Kyle discovers his outer beauty has been stripped away, leaving the ugly person underneath to face the world with no crutches. Kendra has told him he has one year to find someone who will love him exactly the way he is, or he will stay in his tattooed and scarred body.
   The sole bright spot is Kyle's blind tutor, wryly played by Neil Patrick Harris.
  If you are not familiar with this plot, don't spend good money on this movie to discover what happens. Either rent Disney's animated classic, "Beauty and the Beast" or the classic, live-action 1976 Hallmark Hall of Fame version with George C. Scott.
  Seriously, only tween and young teen girls will enjoy this movie. It would be best to let them see this one on their own and save your own money to see any other movie.

• "Beastly"
• No stars
• Rated PG-13
• 1:35 minutes
• Cast: Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens, Mary-Kate Olsen, Neil Patrick Harris, Peter Krause.
• (Language including crude comments, brief violence and some thematic material)

"Rango" Wanders the West

      You'd think an animated movie from Paramount and Nickelodeon would know how to reach a target audience.
     "Rango" was promoted endlessly (it seemed) on cable's Nickelodeon channels, which generally are geared to children and young teens.
    In reality, this movie should have been aimed at adults. It rightfully is rated PG, but the storyline and the homages to classic movies will be lost on young viewers, easily losing their attention within the first hour and they never get it back.
   Grownups, though, will have a good time.
   "Rango" (voice of Johnny Depp) is a lonely chameleon who spends his days directing himself in various theatrical productions. His companions are a wind-up goldfish and a mangled torso of a female doll. He's in a glass aquarium, moving with his owners, when his world is literally shattered around him.
   A bump in the road has launched his aquarium out of the car and onto the roadway. He lives, but is stuck in the desert.
   He meets the cause of his accident, an armadillo (voice of Alfred Molina) who talks of finding the "Spirit of the West" on the other side of the highway. He tells Rango to walk into the desert, where he will find a town.
   On the way, he meets a feisty female lizard named Bean (voice of Isla Fisher) who tells him about the town named Dirt and her drought-stricken ranch.
   The town is a water-starved Wild West wasteland, peopled by critters who would be at home at the Mos Eisley bar on Tatooine.
   The reason for this explains so much of the movie.
   Industrial Light and Magic (ILM), owned by George Lucas, did the animation for "Rango" and it's quickly apparent.
   You'll find creatures who look like Ewoks and Jabba the Hutt for starters.
   The mayor is an ancient tortoise (voice of Ned Beatty), who provides water for the town in a quirky ceremony each Wednesday, preaching a message of hope and future wetness.
   Rango uses all his acting skills to convince the citizens of Dirt he is one bad-ass chameleon. His bragging gets him a badge and the job of sheriff.
   When the water runs out and the bank is robbed of its last drop of liquid gold (more water), Rango starts to wonder what's going on and who is behind it. He has an idea.
  A posse goes out to find the bank robbers and run straight into trouble. The robbers are a motley crew of moles, perhaps a possum and several other grimy varmints -- and they all have huge families.
  A fight, and a chase featuring varmints flying on bats playing a hillbilly version of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" ensues. It's a strange combination of "Apocalypse Now" and the X-Wing Fighter's run on the Death Star, and it has nothing to do with this movie.
  That, and a drawn-out lesson that "He who controls water controls the town" makes the middle third of this movie almost -- yes, almost -- boring. The children in the audience totally lost interest in the screening, and the adults could see where the film was headed.
  The best, and another useless scene -- has Rango run out of town by Rattlesnake Jake (voice of Bill Nighy) --  and bravely crossing the highway where he does find the "Spirit of the West." The "Spirit" (voice of Timothy Oyphant) is a strangely animated cross of Clint Eastwood as the "Man With  No Name" and  "House's" Hugh Laurie, and he advises the emotionally lost lizard to return to Dirt, because you can't leave your own story.
   Before he returns, Rango discovers where the water has gone and uses his discovery to plan for his return to Dirt.
   Rango's arrival back in Dirt brings a tip of the hat to "High Noon" and a long delayed payoff for the few children who managed to keep track of the convoluted plot.
   Depp's Rango is a homely little lizard, but his winning personality makes him popular in his new home. Bean is funny and her quiet crush on Rango is as sweet as the town's acceptance of everyone's quirks.
   If your younger children must see "Rango," take them to a matinée. It's a good bet for a date night movie for older teens who have seen a lot of movies or adults who will get a kick out of counting how many movies were used to put this show together,  including Depp's brief hello to Captain Jack Sparrow.
  There are plenty of places for adults to laugh with the kids, but so many more that only they will enjoy. It's something to consider when thinking of seeing this movie.

"Rango"

2 1/2 stars

Rated PG

1:47 minutes

Vocal Cast: Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Ned Beatty, Alfred Molina, Bill Nighy, Timothy Olyphant .

(Rude humor, language, action and smoking)